The furry soap story

17 10 2010

In my experience, given the nature of  the sport and those who play it, most stories linked to golf  – Tiger Woods’ infidelities notwithstanding –  are pretty tame affairs. In this particular case, however, some fairly graphic images may be conjured up and so reader discretion is advised.

Dear Mrs Benedictson,

I was on the practice putting green at Glacier Greens yesterday, waiting out the frost delay that is so often a part of October golf here in the Comox Valley, when I was approached by a very irate Chief. “Why didn’t you tell me the furry soap story?” he demanded. I tried to  ignore him, well aware that a large number of members were hanging around with nothing better to do than listen in on what must have seemed like a promising argument, but Adrian was having none of it. “You might as well tell me, because Lynn Benedictson told her friend, who told my wife, who told me and now I want to hear it from the horse’s mouth”.

Mrs Benedictson, I have to tell you that I was shocked. Shocked and horrified, as a matter of fact, because this was an episode from my brief career caddying for your son this summer that I thought I had left behind me in that hotel room in Edmonton where the traumatic incident took place. Brian’s brother Bobby and his girlfriend had driven down from Fort McMurray to watch Brian play in the ATB/Telus Open. Brian hadn’t played well, I’d made a few caddying mistakes and we were both hot and tired and ready to go out for a beer or three. First, though, we stopped off at Bobby’s hotel room where we could have a shower before heading out. Age before beauty meant that I got first go in the shower. Luckily Bobby had conjured up a spare couple of towels but I could only find one, grotty hair-covered piece of soap. There was really no other option than to pick off the numerous bits of hair so that I could get on with the job of  getting myself clean and presentable. When I emerged from the shower, Bobby and his girlfriend were quick to ask if the shower was ok. “Great,” I said. “Towel all right?” “Yeah, good thanks”. “How about the soap?” asked Bobby, a little too quickly. I had a bad feeling about this, but had to know why he was asking. “Well, we knew Brian was going to have a shower, ” said Bobby’s girlfriend, ” and Bobby thought it would be hilarious if he cut off some pubic hair and stuck it on the soap to see if his brother would notice. We didn’t know you’d be having first shower…”

So, Lynn, you will understand when I say I have now been doubly traumatized by the Benedictson family. Just when I thought I had recovered from the original emotional shock, I found myself having to repeat the whole sordid tale to half the membership of Glacier Greens on the putting green yesterday. I knew that, shaken to the core as I was, I would be unable to play my usual game. I decided that the Benedictson family would have to pay for my public (pubic?) humiliation and that I would seek damages for mental trauma through my lawyers, Sue, Grabbit and Run.

And I certainly did not play my usual game. In my traumatized state, unable to focus on the mechanics of my swing or putting stroke, I shot a 72 – my best round for over five years – and won Low Gross at Members’ Morning for the first time ever. Under the circumstances, Lynn, it only seems fair not to proceed with the lawsuit and instead to give credit where credit is due. I shall be giving you 10% of my winnings – a whopping $3 – next time we meet.

All da best!

Dave B.

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6 responses

17 10 2010
Glenny the Sandbagger

After hearing this confession, I don’t think that any of us will ever look at David in quite the same way again!

17 10 2010
Bagger Dave

I’m ok with that, Glenny. I’ve always felt a little uneasy about the way you look at me when I’m hitting tee shots anyway…

D.

17 10 2010
Martin

Dave..which hand did you use to remove the furriness from the soap? It’s important we all know, as you are so hot on the etiquette of shaking hands after around. Nuff said.
Martin

17 10 2010
Bagger Dave

OK, enough already. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t washed my hands since July, is it…?

D.

18 10 2010
Admin

Well written, DB…I like your style; you have a future in writing policy for pubic (er, public) administration. I guess you can take one small consolation; at least it wasn’t mouthwash.

BHD

18 10 2010
Bagger Dave

It’s obvious that the subject matter in my latest post has been too much for a lot of you to handle, so to speak. Thank goodness Dobbs isn’t around to stick his oar in. I think I’d better stick strictly to golf in future…

D.

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