Dear Santa

12 11 2010

One of my pet peeves – and I must admit that as I get older I am developing a fairly lengthy and somewhat arbitrary list of things of which I disapprove – is people banging on about Christmas when we’re barely into the fall. My birthday is in early December and when I was a nipper my parents had the very sensible rule that there was to be no talk of Christmas until my birth date had been well and truly celebrated. This seemed an excellent idea to me at the time and still does now. In the real world, however, now that Thanksgiving is over (in Canada anyway) you can’t watch five minutes of  TV without merry Yuletide jingles trying to get us to part with our hard earned dosh to buy something festive-but-useless for our nearest and dearest.

Unable to resist this sort of pressure, and what with  extra time on my hands thanks to the frequent frost delays at Glacier Greens these days, I got to thinking about what I might wish for my golfing friends (and foes) this Christmas. I should mention at this point that fifteen or so years ago, after a long and mostly inglorious career in soccer, when I first got serious about golf I was excited at the novel concept of playing a sport in which you didn’t actually wish ill luck on your opponent. In the past decade and a half I have, of course, learnt that this is not strictly true. While it is considered bad form to yell “miss it!” when your opponent’s putt is rolling towards the hole and a cup of coffee is at stake, it’s ok to offer up a silent prayer that his ball will hit a spike mark and go off line. It’s essential to maintain decorum and mutter “bad luck” when this happens, but it’s also important to turn away from your opponent so that he can’t actually see your gleeful expression.

Anyway, Santa, it should be understood that the following wish list is based on the assumption that the person concerned is my partner and not my opponent. It goes without saying that none of these gifts involves me parting with money at any point: I know you wouldn’t expect such extravagance.

Glennie: I wish my partner Glennie the same luck with bounces that the rest of us get. The Houlgrave Hop, the Ringstead Ricochet and the Brooker Bounce all see our errant tee shots finish up on the fairway. Glennie doesn’t seem to get such luck. A Parsons Persuader, perhaps?

Robinski: Playing by himself, particularly on away courses, the winner of the 2010 Vegas Invitational and the Celtic Challenge doesn’t seem to need any help. When he’s my partner, though, please Santa teach Robin how to lag downhill putts instead of blasting them ten feet by.

Lairdo: As you know, Dave is an honest 28 handicap golfer. He often plays to about an 18 when he’s my partner – until I mention how well he’s playing and then he promptly goes in the tank. Please Santa, if it’s too hard to keep me quiet (and I know it probably is), could you at least switch off his hearing aid while I’m telling him?

Ringer: At the other end of the golfing scale, el bandito Juan is a 4 handicapper or better – until he’s my partner. Could you please let us beat somebody in 2011? I’m fed up with us playing like the Bobbsey Twins whenever we’re paired together. It’s costing me a fortune in coffee.

The Chief: Please grant Adrian the wisdom to understand that he hits a 7 iron further than most mortals hit a driver and so he doesn’t need to murder the ball when he’s my partner. (When he’s not my partner I’m perfectly happy for him to swing as hard as he likes…).

Smokin’ Joe Dunham: Speech therapy. Every time Joe  duffs a chip or misses a short putt I’m pretty sure he says “duck!”. It’s very irritating to hear someone constantly confuse their D’s with their F’s.

Bruce Almighty: Please, Santa, keep Bruce well enough to keep doing great repair work on my VW van, but not so well that he continues to fill his pockets with my $4.50 on Sunday mornings.

Messrs Buckley-Jones, Fitzgerald and Mills: Santa, please find this tiresome trio some new material – a free joke book, perhaps? – so that I don’t have to hear any more anecdotes about how cheap teachers are.

 Len Doyle: Another book, please Santa, with enough info on advanced Math to persuade the Men’s Director that my 72 last month was a statistical aberration and I shouldn’t have my handicap savaged for the entire winter because of it. I mean, c’mon, Lennie: have you seen my golf swing?

Finally, Santa, a word of thanks to you for allowing our respective spouses to be so happy to have their husbands spend countless hours on the golf course with no obvious benefit to show for it all. But if it’s not too much to ask, is there any chance of me actually meeting Adrian and Joe’s wives? I’ve talked to them on the phone but I’ve never seen them in person and I’ve always wanted to see a real halo. Let’s face it, anyone married to either of those two must be true saints…

So, apart from expressing the vain hope that we’ll have warmth and sunshine here in the Comox Valley from now until next summer, in case I don’t come up with any new material in the next six weeks, this is Bagger Dave wishing you all a merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

All da best,

Dave B.

P.S. By the way, Santa, thanks for at least partially curing my putting woes. Any chance of some help with my bunker shots? I’m spectacularly inept in that department right now…

P.P.S. If  I’ve sent this letter to the wrong department, could you please forward it to the correct one?  The Golf God, maybe?

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10 responses

12 11 2010
Martin

Please Santa send Dave a tube of A535 rub for his fingers and especially the knuckles so he can keep writing great posts through 2011. Perhaps some Geritol too would help him concentrate hard so he can remember how to get pictures into the posts.
Martin

13 11 2010
Bagger Dave

Bang on as usual, Martin. I need a refresher course on the putting-piccies-in-posts-technology. BTW, sorry about leaving you off my Christmas list, but what could I ask for for the man who has everything?

Dave

13 11 2010
Glen Livet

Dear Santa,
I only want one wish granted this Christmas, unlike Bugger Dave who asks for so many gifts in his Titanickel intercourse, or is it discourse or datcourse or whatever course he plays on. Now Santa, whenever Bugger Dave agrees to give someone strokes before a game please oh please would you stop him from whining for the next 18 holes about how he has given that person too many strokes; commenting, yes, I can take but whining for 18 holes and as for his rudeness need I say no more than may the good Lord (or is it Laird?) swallow him whole if he so much as dares to strike a putt in the middle of his opponent’s natural bodily function!!
I have been an extremely good boy this year so just this one little giftie.
PD
From the sunny greens of Florida where it is in the 80’s and balls bounce along fairways instead of plunk, gasoline is $2.79 a gallon, houses are $125,000 and cruises can be had for $40 a day. How does the other half live?

13 11 2010
Bagger Dave

Dobbsie! Out of sight, out of mind – Santa gave me a gift I didn’t even ask for: you being 3,000 miles away!

Archie told me about your $40 cruise and all the rest. Give me a call as soon as you get home – I’m off to England on Dec 9th – and I’ll bring a bottle of Glen Livet over for you to look at.

Cheers,

Dave

13 11 2010
Anne

Dear Dave
I agree with the Xmas thing before Dec but in this circumstance…well, after all its for charity. Other than breaking the bank, I must thank Santa for giving Joe patience with it all, as he is a Scrooge wannabe.
And as for an introduction lets wait until December and see if we can get Adrian and Moira over and all enjoy our new decorations.

Anne

13 11 2010
Bagger Dave

Sounds great, Anne. Julie and I are away for three weeks in December but we’d love to meet up in the new year. On the other hand, I’m not totally sure it’s a good idea you two (and Moira) having the chance to compare notes but still…

Dave B.

16 11 2010
Sue

What joy!

An obsessive brother-in-law….but one with a sense of humour!

See you soon!

16 11 2010
Bagger Dave

Hey Susan – I resemble that remark!

It’s not only golf I’m obsessed about though. I’m pretty keen on food, too.

See you in three weeks.

D.

30 11 2010
Bandito Juan

Hola Amigo,
Quiero tienes muchas feliz para navidad y tengo una poco regalo por usted. Yo prometo a no tomar muchas cafe de ti solo dinero. Actualmente, esparo a tomar muchas dinero de Robin y Glenn y Lairdo tambien. Por que? Esparo Santa darle un nuevo putter. Una sin “el jab”. Para ti creo que “El Jab” es un nombre con distinción. Pero si tienes un nuevo nombre como “No el Jab” o
” Noel Jab” entonces ese hacerle muy peligroso en el greens.
Adios muchachas,
Bandito Juan

1 12 2010
Bagger Dave

Gracias, Juan, pero ya tengo un nuevo sobrenombre: cuando juego los domingos por la mañana los otros me llaman “Abu Jhabi”. Bueno, no?

Ciao,

Dave

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