The case against Stanley Mills

27 06 2011

Dear Mr Mills,

It has come to our attention that you did, on or about Sunday the 26th day of June 2011, knowingly and wittingly utter a slander against one David Brooker, a fellow member of the Glacier Greens golfing society. Such alleged slander being that you accused the aforementioned Mr Brooker of being, quote, “a total sandbagger”.

The said slander being uttered in a public place, witnesses have been produced to refute this claim – to wit, Mr Adrian Haut and Mr Michael Worley, who did play 18 holes with Mr Brooker on said date. Their evidence, given under oath, is as follows:

1) While capable of driving the ball as straight as a monkey’s wotsit, Mr Brooker rarely hit the ball out of his own shadow – certainly never in excess of 200 yards. Charge of sandbaggery: not proven.

2) Mr Brooker’s approach shots almost invariably missed their target – a total of four greens were hit out of 18. Sandbaggery not proven.

3) Mr Brooker rarely reached the hole with his first putt; occasionally not even his second. Not proven.

4) Mr Brooker scored no birdies whatsoever and failed, as usual, to break 80. Not proven.

5) Mr Brooker made a net loss of $4 and 50 cents on the day’s play. Not proven.

The above clearly indicates that Mr Brooker is in fact a crap golfer and just about as far from a sandbagger as it is possible to be. It is this committee’s decision that you, Mr Mills, be barred from Glacier Greens golf course and its environs for a period of two weeks, this time to be spent in your home province of Saskatchewan. (While this may be considered a stiff penalty, the alternative – making you play like Mr Brooker for a fortnight – was considered altogether too harsh).

Yours faithfully,

David Brooker (Head of Disciplinary Committee)

P.S. Charges against Mr Bruce Coulter for being “loud and obnoxious in a public place (the Glacier Greens driving range and practice putting green) on a Sunday morning” may yet be laid. It is understood that Mr Coulter’s defence is likely to be that he is not guilty on the grounds that he is ALWAYS loud and obnoxious and that this is, for him, perfectly normal behaviour. Judge Bud Bryan will preside.

I am NOT a sandbagger…




6 responses

27 06 2011

Beauty David…though I am not convinced, entirely , of you being a
crap golfer.

27 06 2011
Bagger Dave

Sad to say, Martin, recent evidence strongly suggests that I am.


27 06 2011
Bud Bryan

As Judge Bud Bryan
I have decided that Mr Bruce Coulter, having committed
these offences, is Guilty as charged.

27 06 2011
Bagger Dave

Excellent decision, your Honour!


8 09 2015

Dave – anybody that has golfed with you takes one look at that smooth buttery swing and that sort of jerky putting stroke of yours and knows that you are a sandbagger.

8 09 2015
Bagger Dave

That’s an outrage, Mr Mills! My putting stroke is as smooth as silk, as wll you know. It’s just that the hole doesn’t get in my ball’s way often enough.

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