The evils of gambling (part 2)

1 12 2011

Earlier this week I had the rare opportunity of playing 18 holes with Lennie ‘The Legend’ Doyle. As I was going through my usual pre-round routine of missing three foot putts on the practice green, Len mentioned that he’d enjoyed reading my recent post on the evils of gambling (featuring the desperate duo, Ringer and the Great Robinski) and asked if I wanted to play a game called ‘Coins’ in today’s round. I’d never heard of it, but once Len had reassured me that I couldn’t possibly lose more than three bucks – Len never being one to miss out on the chance to bring up the ‘cheap teacher’ gag – I happily agreed. Len explained the game as he and I walked to the first tee with Bud and the Chief, but I have to admit that I wasn’t totally clear on the rules by the time we’d all teed off. I did, however, understand that it was a team game and that you had to carry a special coin around if something bad happened to you. ‘Something bad’ included three putting or hitting your ball out of bounds or into a bunker or into a pond or somewhere you couldn’t find it; in short pretty much all the things that hackers like us do on a regular basis. We had a quick discussion on handicaps – i.e. whether the Chief should be given a few extra shots on account of him still being in recovery mode from the recent removal of some vital organ or other – but Bud was adamant that this would set a bad precedent. I believe his exact words were ‘Suck it up, Princess’.

Not unnaturally, I wanted to know who my partner was – it’s always important to restrict your trash talk to your actual opponents while simultaneously encouraging your partner – but apparently this depended on our scores on the first hole. As it turned out, we were none the wiser as we walked off the first green because Len and Bud both had a double. ‘So when does the game start and when do I know who my partner is, Lennie?’ I asked. ‘I want to get on with the insults’. He reassured me that the game had already started and that all would be clear as soon as he and Bud had a different score on any given hole. As it turned out it took four holes – 45 minutes into the round – before the two could be separated:  Lennie missed a short putt and promptly announced ‘I’m your partner, Dave, and we’re three up in the match’. I had no idea what was going on, but three up sounded good so obviously that was fine by me. Now it was Bud’s turn. ‘ Well, that can’t be right. Poor Adrian’s really struggling after his operation, so surely he’s entitled to extra shots.’ It seemed only fair to point out that back on the first tee it was Bud who had told Adrian to ‘suck it up’. Lennie then also handed over a pile of the special coins to Bud and Adrian for hazard-hitting, out-of-bounding, three-putting and generally all round poor play. Not surprisingly our opponents failed to recover over the last 14 holes and had to stump up the cash for coffee in the club house afterwards. I could not resist a toast to my good friend: ‘Here’s to Honest Bud – the first man in the history of golf to insist that his partner plays off a  LOWER handicap than the one his opponents offered on the first tee!’  By the time I got round to asking myself whether Lennie had missed that short putt back on the fourth hole on purpose, he’d long gone. But it makes you wonder – the evils of gambling, eh?

All da best!

Dave B.

Before he left, Lennie regaled us with one of my favourite golf jokes. Here’s the censored version:


Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said “Naah. I don’t think so.”

Then they said: “Come on – it’s for handicapped and blind kids.”

So then I thought: “Hang on a minute – I could win this!”




4 responses

1 12 2011

Watch out for that crafty Lennie; brother partner one round, enemy opponent the next! Match #2 won’t be called coins…

1 12 2011
Bagger Dave

Good point, Ben. Len has been called many things over the years and ‘crafty’ would certainly be on the list.


1 12 2011
Bud Bryan

I, honest Bud, will have you all know that handicaps should not and can not be given by fellow Golf members. Please read the Buds Rules.
Judge D.R.Bryan

2 12 2011
Bagger Dave

That’s a very fair point, your Honour. I wish Glen and Joe had read Bud’s Rules – they were brutal on our trip down island.


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