Diary of a Hacker (Part One)

25 11 2014


It’s hard to know exactly where to begin with an account of our golf trip to Phoenix, Arizona. For a start, Glennie was the only Sandbagger involved apart from myself, and it will be interesting to see how things pan out with a new cast of characters. It wasn’t long before my new acquaintances began to make their mark. On Sunday, not ten minutes after picking up our rental cars (seven of us plus baggage and, of course, golf bags) we found ourselves in the nearest Costco. Forty minutes after that we were back in the parking lot having spent $406 on ‘groceries’. These ‘groceries’ largely consisted of staples such as beer, wine, vodka, rye and pizza with a couple of ready made salads thrown in to ensure we were starting off the week with a healthy, balanced diet. Oh, and Davey F-Bomb insisted on buying a massive turkey that he plans to prepare for Thanksgiving. I shan’t explain Davey’s moniker except to say that after a couple of drinks he appears incapable of completing any sentence without a liberal sprinkling of fairly colourful language. Somehow we managed to squeeze all our purchases into the cars along with all our other stuff. The  evening was spent settling into our fancy rental home for the week, allocating rooms (I ‘won’ the master bedroom for the first four nights on the turn of a card) and making quite a dent in our stockpile of alcoholic beverages. Glennie and Donny ‘Mastercard’ McCririck persuaded me to join in their poker game, promising me that ‘I’d soon pick up the basics’. I left the table 45 minutes later, minus all my money, and still with no idea what a Royal Straight or a Running Flush was. I don’t think I’m a natural.


Plenty of time for a quick shop at the local Basha’s supermarket in Maricopa. Apparently we’d already depleted some of our vital supplies, but this time we also filled a cart with more sensible items. Imagine, if you will, seven grown men running round the supermarket with only a small scrap of paper between us for guidance. Somehow, twenty minutes later, we all met up at the checkout having filled the cart with a huge and mostly healthy array of items AND having signed up with Basha’s loyalty programme to get 15% discount. “Wow,” I said to Donny Mac. “Scottish Wife is going to be impressed.” Just at that moment, Tim called out “You’ll need this, Dave!” and launched a packet of something or other in my direction. I caught it and handed it over to Donny. “That’s absolutely not going in the cart, Dave.” I looked at the packet: Extra Pleasure Trojan condoms. I put them back on the shelf, next to the cookies. Note to self: watch out for Tim.

The (not so) Magnificent Seven: from left to right, Davey F-Bomb, Tug Boat Bob, Bagger Dave, Glennie P, Mighty Tim, Kenny V, Donny Mac

The (not so) Magnificent Seven: from left to right, Davey F-Bomb, Tug Boat Bob, Bagger Dave, Glennie P, Mighty Tim, Kenny V, Donny Mac

Then it was off to Ak-Chin Southern Dunes golf course for the first stop of our seven day, seven round golfing odyssey. It was a gorgeous desert course which we thoroughly enjoyed. There are 105 bunkers on it, and Glennie made it his personal mission to land in as many of them as possible. At the end of the day, our net scores were all very close but Tim and Davey F-Bomb shared first place with a low net of 74. Hard to accuse anyone of Sandbaggery, and all our handicaps will be going up tomorrow, especially that of Kenny V, who suffered uncomplainingly through the mother of all headaches today. Perhaps a bit more hard liquor will put him right.

Back at the ranch, Tug Boat Bob proved that he’d spent enough time on dry land to hone a pretty good game of pool, dismissing all challengers with ease. At the poker table, miracle of miracles! Despite still having only the haziest notion of what a good hand was, after what seemed like hours of play, I scooped the pot. Time to announce my retirement, methinks.

Last but not least, I have to mention tonight’s meal. We dined on salmon and prawns, caught by Davey F-Bomb, smuggled through customs by Davey F-Bomb and cooked by the man himself. He honestly never stops – truly an energy bunny in human form!


Today it was off to Ocatillo golf course, half an hour east of Maricopa. We were joined by Gene Genie (if you’re a David Bowie fan you’ll get the reference immediately), who was announced as a 32 handicapper. Later, when Mighty Tim, Donny Mac, Kenny and myself had been soundly thrashed by the Axis of Evil (Glennie, Davey F-Bomb, Tug Boat and Gene), it was conceded that Gene might actually have been a 22. Too late for us – our $5’s had already  been handed over. Slight consolation when, on the return trip, Davey F-Bomb and Glennie found themselves in the wrong lane on the way home and our other two cars refused to let them into our lane, causing the mother of all snarl ups, but the fact remains that they came home with $5 in their pockets and we didn’t.

But what a meal we came home to! Davey F-Bomb had the turkey simmering all day and Tug Boat and I threw a couple of bowls of roasted veggies into the mix. Admittedly Donny had to interrupt a phone call to his wife to say “Excuse me a minute – the oven’s on fire”, but apart from that everything went swimmingly and our early Thanksgiving meal was truly outstanding. Teams have been drawn for tomorrow’s round at The Duke course at Rancho el Dorado and already the trash talking has begun.

More to follow later in the week.

All da best!

Bagger D.




4 responses

25 11 2014

Sounds like an amazing trip Dave. Best wishes for the remaining time and a safe trip home.

25 11 2014
Bagger Dave

I just found out that Ben was on a golf trip with Davey F-Bomb not long ago, Martin. No doubt he had a blast too!

26 11 2014

We passed Southern Dunes earlier today thinking of you all, you on the golf course and us on our way to the dentist, choices. Glad I didn’t join you as it would have upgraded the mosh pit with Glennie, you, Kenny and Donny Mc so not wanting to embarrass you all we drove to San Diego for some real culture instead of experiencing yours. Have a great trip, love to join you

26 11 2014
Bagger Dave

Never mind, Peter. We’ll just have to look forward to Gold River in September instead.

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