Mother said (there’d be days like this)

8 08 2015
Please don't make me play 13 more holes - I. Can't. Stand. It. Anymore.

Please don’t make me play 13 more holes.  I. Can’t. Stand. It. Anymore.

My friend Bud has a saying that goes “Mother said the cream always rises to the top”. He uses it, of course, just after he’s made a long putt or chipped in for par or done something equally unlikely which means he’ll have the honour on the next hole.

I must admit I used it myself today as I walked to the 4th tee at Glacier Greens. I’d just birdied #3, having hit two good shots in a row, followed by a 20 foot putt. As I’d butchered the 2nd hole (triple bogey 8, thanks for asking) I was pretty pleased with myself and wondered aloud what the opposite of a PBFU was (‘Post Birdie F*ck Up’ for those of you who don’t play much golf). “Well, obviously that would be a PFUB” replied my playing partner Kiefer (I’m sure you can figure that one out for yourself).

Even after putting my tee shot in the pond on #4 and walking off with a double bogey – my card now reading PBFU, PFUB, PBFU  if you’re trying to keep track – I was still pretty chipper and pointed out that even though I was 4 over par for the first 4 holes I was actually one under if you only counted the two par fours.

In hindsight this may have been a mistake. Not for nothing is hole #5 at Glacier Greens rated the hardest on the course. My tee shot wasn’t actually too bad, landing in the fairway but then taking a bit of a nasty kick right so that I had to play my second shot standing on the cart path (a free drop would have put me right up against a tree). Nothing too scary here – I just needed a nice little fade around the tree 20 yards ahead of me and I could definitely get the ball up near the green. Nice slow back swing and…BANG. The ball ricocheted off the tree and straight out of bounds. Hmm – a little bit of bad luck, as my friend Adrian would say. I dropped another ball, aimed left of the tree once more and…BANG, hit it again, thus proving that the first one wasn’t a fluke. This time the ball stayed in bounds, about six inches away from the boundary fence. A tricky shot, but by no means impossible – a subtle, handsy hook shot with my seven iron and the ball should be back on the fairway. Except I hit the fence instead of the ball. Outwardly calm, but inwardly seething, I repeated the stroke with exactly the same result. At the third attempt I did manage to hit the ball a couple of feet, allowing me to then chip sideways back onto the fairway. I was now lying 8, and my ball was about ten feet away from where it had been after my tee shot. My ninth shot was, if I say so myself, a thing of beauty – a nine wood from 145 yards to the fringe of the green. A delicate chip and a tap in putt for an 11 followed. As we walked to the 6th tee box I tried to put on a brave face to my playing partners: “Well, at least I got a one putt – that’ll help the stats!” “Hate to tell you this, Dave,” came the reply, “but you never took the flag out for the putt, so with a two stroke penalty that’s a 13.”

Well, Lennie Doyle, God of all things connected with Saturday Men’s Club at Glacier Greens, I’m the one who was filling in the scorecard and I have to say I left it as an 11. Tell the Beaker to DQ me by all means, but I figure that there should be a limit as to how much a guy can suffer on a single hole. I mean, a man’s got his pride, right?

Actually, after all that palaver, I guess the answer is no.

All da best!

Dave B.

P.S. Much later, as we walked off the 18th green, I asked Wayne O’Gilvie (the third member of our group) how long our round had taken: “Just a tad over four hours,” he said. “Of course, if you don’t count all the time you spent effing about on the 5th hole it would have been three and a half.”

P.P.S. I guess by Kiefer’s reckoning my woeful efforts on #5 would go down as PFUFU…

And of course I can’t leave the blog without this:

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10 responses

8 08 2015
Adrian

It takes a big man (actually a short one) to publish his problems on the course but I guess if it happens often enough you get used to it. Keep on Brookering, David.

8 08 2015
Bagger Dave

Well, Chief, if I didn’t laugh at my little golfing mishaps I’d be flooding the course in tears.

8 08 2015
Martin

After laughing I began to cry. Cheers Dave.

9 08 2015
Bagger Dave

On the bright side, it did help me quickly forget about the 8 I’d scored on #2, Martin!

9 08 2015
peter507c

Well finally, you come down to my level. Subtle way of getting me to give you shots? or an admittance that you are no longer superior? or just sandbagging?
Nice blog though, much enjoyed Davey

9 08 2015
Bagger Dave

I think we can safely say that I’m not quite as smug about my golfing skill as I was before yesterday, Peter.

9 08 2015
Len Doyle

Hi Dave, yes you have been disqualified. However, in keeping with our Saturday Men’s policies, Saturday is four separate events if you enter them all. You still get the $15.00 for your fine birdie on hole # 3. Usually the PBFU follows the bird hole but you waited one extra hole to have your PBFU.
Cheers .. Lennie

9 08 2015
Bagger Dave

Thanks, Lennie. DQ perfectly fair – I’m sure you understand that my mind was a bit scrambled by the time I tapped in for that 11…

9 08 2015
Bud Bryan

Its nice to hear that you used my mom’s sayings, I am sure it would make her proud to know that you are using them. But what I did not tell you is every time
you use it, a small amount of money is paid to her son. No more or less than
two dollars. If not paid within three day a curse will be imposed on you from her. Sorry to hear of your sad story on your golf game, but it happens to the best of us.
All the Best
Bud
PS. Don’t forget your debt.

9 08 2015
Bagger Dave

Harsh words, Bud. The curse will probably be that I’ll be in your group on Monday and have to listen to you going on about the $2 for three and a half hours.

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