Guilty as charged

15 03 2017

I’m not sure I can go on like this for much longer…

My intentions are always good as far as keeping my blog up to date is concerned, but recently it’s been really hard to find something to write about. Firstly, the winter here in the Comox Valley has been the worst in living memory so I’ve hardly played at all. Secondly, when I have played, my game has also been…the worst in living memory. As a result my handicap has been getting higher and higher and my spirits (not to mention my self-esteem) lower and lower.

It was decent weather today but we didn’t get off to the best of starts when only five of us showed up to play. This meant that we would have to split into two groups, a twosome and a threesome. This is rarely a good thing, as there would be foursomes ahead of us and the pace of play was bound to be slow. Actually, my round started quite promisingly and I even birdied the par 5 second hole, albeit in somewhat dubious circumstances. I was on the green in three shots but miles from the pin, so I told the Budmeister not to bother tending the flag. Of course I then holed the putt. Strictly speaking that’s a two stroke penalty for hitting the flag stick, but I explained that I was just playing by the proposed 2019 rules a bit early, so it should still count as four. Being my partner, Bud said that sounded fair enough.

However, by the fourth hole Bud and I found ourselves filling in time by practising our chipping on the tee box while waiting for the group ahead (who were also probably waiting for the group ahead of them). When Richard, Joe and Bill joined us on the tee someone suggested that we play as a fivesome as the guys ahead were unlikely to move any faster. Now some golf clubs have a fairly relaxed attitude to winter golf and I must admit that as long as players keep up with the group ahead I can’t really see any harm being done. Even so, I felt a little uneasy and insisted we check with the group behind us to make sure they didn’t mind. They were fine with it, they said, as long as we kept up with the group ahead – which of course is exactly what didn’t happen. Balls went into trees, balls went into ponds and we quickly dropped behind. After three holes of this Richard declared that he’d had enough and went home for a nap.

So at least we were a legitimate foursome for the remaining holes. Not that my game improved. Bogies were followed by double bogies and despite the sunshine overhead – the warmest day of the year to date – my mood became blacker and blacker. I skulled a chip into the pond on #18, muttered some words I wouldn’t want my mother to hear, and skulked off the course with a score of 89*.

Over coffee afterwards the rest of the guys were discussing my round in nauseating detail when Ben, the food and beverage manager, who I’d always thought of as one of the nicest men on the planet, came up to me with a big grin on his face. “Hey Dave! I saw that big splash when you hit into the pond just now, but what was that thing I saw sailing into the air just after? Was that a club?”

“Er, yes, but it kind of slipped out of my hand,” I lied. Somehow the rest of the group hadn’t spotted my club toss and I thought I’d got away with it. Now, however, I was done for. Billy V spoke on behalf of the rest of the group. “So let me get this straight. We find out this week that you’re to become captain of this golf club for the next two years and then in the space of a single round you commit four major transgressions: ignoring a penalty on #2 for hitting the flag stick with your putt, allowing a fivesome to play together contrary to club rules and then club tossing on #18 fairway.”

Well, when he put it like that it did sound pretty bad. I didn’t really have much to say in my defence, although I did point out that he’d only come up with three transgressions and not four. “I was coming to that,” said Bill. “Do you realise that your fly’s been undone ever since you came out of the washroom?”

Oh boy. This could be a long two years… I plead guilty as charged and throw myself upon the mercy of the Glacier Greens membership. (Like that’s gonna work.)

All da best.

Dave B.

(* OK. 91)




10 responses

15 03 2017

I suggest that the open fly can hardly be considered a “big thing”.
We’ll consider it 3 transgressions.

15 03 2017
Bagger Dave

Not quite sure how to take that, Glennie, but I’m happy to have the ‘gression number reduced.

15 03 2017
Len Doyle

David. … I was most pleased when I heard that you had been selected as our Club Captain, however having read this blog I’m not sure what to think. I would suggest a public flogging in front of the Club House may be in order.

15 03 2017
Bagger Dave

Yup, Lennie. I posted this blog knowing that I had exhibited extremely uncaptainlike behaviour today. I plan to do better in the future and avoid the public flogging.

15 03 2017
Ken Doll

Dave: as bad as you may play it cannot be as bad as “Lennie”. Chuck and I were partners against Len and Bill O yesterday and both of us had an absolute terrible game,HOWEVER, when we left the course we both had a little cash in our pockets and Len had a tear in his eye. Len can make you feel great even if you feel that you had a shitty game. Just saying.

15 03 2017
Bagger Dave

Honestly, Ken, you should play me right now. You’ll feel even greater!

15 03 2017

This was a great read Dave. I appreciate your mood but it was a great read. It’s also great to read the compassionate comments from a wonderfully supportive group of friends. You are a lucky man indeed.

15 03 2017
Bagger Dave

Thank you Martin. Have you given any thought to playing golf again? I don’t see why I should be the only one to suffer. (Of course, it might mean spending time with Peter Dobbs, so I understand if you’re reluctant.)

16 03 2017

So you finally came down to our level. How does it feel? But I’m sure if you played with Martin and me we could bring you down another notch or two. Off to play whack/shit in 90 degrees today. Needless to say we won’t be thinking of you. Greetings from Aurele

16 03 2017
Bagger Dave

That’s what keeps me going, Peter. However badly I behave on the golf course I know you could go lower still. Have fun in yer bloody 90 degrees and say hi to Aurèle.

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