Please insert other foot

I was in the watch repair shop this morning, the one on Comox Avenue across the road from the Post Office. I go in there on a fairly regular basis and I like chatting to Ken, the proprietor. Ken’s quiet, but I’ve gradually realised that he has a wicked sense of humour. For example, last week I took in a watch belonging to a friend and I’d barely put it on the counter before Ken muttered “Nice piece. Did you steal it?” “What?” was all I could muster in reply. “Well, it’s nothing like the pieces of cr@p you usually bring in.” I had to admit he had a point; I don’t think I’ve ever owned a watch that cost over $20 and I only ever ask Ken to replace the batteries. At $11.20 a throw (HST included) he’s not going to be retiring on my business any time soon.

Anyway, I went in this morning to pick up a watch belonging to Scottish Wife (needless to say, it needed a new battery). There was an elderly couple already waiting to be served, so I listened in on their conversation, as you do, and soon learnt that they were from Powell River and had come over specially to pick up a watch that Ken had fixed for them a while ago. The wife left to run a quick errand, while the husband searched through his pockets for more cash (Ken doesn’t hold with newfangled stuff like debit or credit cards). The man was wearing a Tottenham Hotspur toque (that would be a bobble hat if you’re English), so I asked him if it was just random or was he really a Spurs fan. “Through and through, mate. I’ve supported them since I was a nipper. In fact I saw them at Wembley in the 1963 Cup Final. I’ll never forget it – tickets cost fifteen bob. I went with the wife, who was 6 months pregnant at the time, and I had to take her out for a breath of fresh air because she was feeling a bit faint, like. Missed the last two goals, and all. Great game though. Spurs won 3-1.”

At that very moment, his wife returned from her errand. How could I resist? “I know we haven’t been introduced, Ma’am” I said, “and I’m sorry to have to say this, but I’ve just been hearing from your husband about how he missed the end of the Cup Final in 1963. He’s never really forgiven you, you know.” Instead of laughing as I’d expected, she fixed me with a bit of an evil glare: “That weren’t me,” she said, “That were his first missus. She died twenty years ago.” I looked at the husband, who said nothing but looked suitably doleful. Then, from behind the counter, Ken spoke:

“Please insert other foot…now.”

Yours in embarrassment, but with best regards to my brother Mike, who’s been a Spurs fan since the early sixties himself. Fifty years of pain…

Dave B.

This is the Spurs’ logo. The motto means “to dare is to do”. Thanks, Mr Folland (fourth form Latin class circa 1967).

Perhaps I would have been better off remembering “nescit vox missa reverti” – “think twice before you speak.”