Big Ed! (R+W 2017)

18 09 2017

 

Ed 02

Mr. Ed Hayes, ladies and gentlemen. The very worthy winner of R+W 2017

The 17th edition of the prestigious Red, White and Blue tournament took place this past weekend, and with it came a number of firsts: last year play was washed out on the Saturday, so we played 18 holes from the blue tees on Sunday morning and then 18 more from the red tees in the afternoon and thus RWB became R+B 2016. This year the weather was lovely on Saturday but Sunday – as promised – dawned wet and windy. A unanimous pre-round decision was made on the putting green: no 36 holes this year – just a quick 18 from the reds and hope we missed the worst of the weather. So R+W 2017 it was. Perhaps defending champion Joe Dunham summed up the general consensus: “Listen, Brooker – I’m too old for this sh!t.” He’s always had a way with words has Joe…

Three groups of three set off down the first fairway, and the first group (best described as ‘the No Hopers’ after their pitiful efforts on Saturday) were also the first to set a record: the fastest round ever played in the history of the tournament. Just 2 hours and 25 minutes after teeing off (and 2 hours and 23 minutes of pouring rain), Chuck Kennedy, Rod Gray and Rudge Wilson were back in the social centre with a variety of beverages in front of them. Their scores? Irrelevant. Their pace of play? Magnificent.

Group 2 (‘The Stragglers’), consisting of Joe Dunham, Dave Buckley-Jones and Yours Truly, failed to break any records but at least were still on speaking terms as they walked off the 18th green. Yours Truly had put a ball in the pond and racked up a triple bogey, Smokin’ Joe had just had a miraculous chip-in birdie and Mr Buckley-Jones had failed to notice either occurrence. Like the others Dave was very, very wet and just wanted to get inside, where he enjoyed being ‘leader in the clubhouse’ – for about 20 minutes.

The final group, the three players who were in  serious contention after their fine rounds on Saturday, took a bit more time about their golf. They consisted, said one of their number, of ‘two sandbaggers and an idiot’. The players concerned were low handicapper Bill Village and somewhat higher handicappers (and first time RWBers) Phil Ball and Ed Hayes. Obviously it would be unfair to identify the idiot, but let’s just say that it wasn’t Phil or Ed. Of the three, Bill hit lots of fairways and greens, Phil missed nearly all the fairways but hit all the greens (eventually) and Ed? Well, Ed had a splendid round and shot a 95. That’s 95 gross which comes to er, 59 net, which is a record for the RWB, as is his 12 shot winning margin. Blimey!

It was a pleasure to watch everyone at the prize table, as we all picked our well-wrapped prizes – in reverse order of finishing, of course – and laughed gleefully at what we’d chosen. I think Bill Village won the jackpot, though – a sort of troll thingy, designed to hold a bottle of wine to its mouth with a big, hairy claw. Just the sort of thing to grace Bill’s new gaff on Crown Isle. As Bill said afterwards – we can expect to see it again on the prize table next year, really well wrapped.

As for this year’s winner, Ed took the prize giving ceremony with good grace, even when he realised that the $9 prize money would not cover the cost of engraving and that he was honour-bound to keep the Big Club on display at home (for at least a day). After that? Well, past winners tell us that sheds, crawl spaces and garages appear to be the location of choice for the magnificent trophy

Many congrats Big Ed, and thanks to all for taking part. It’ll be a new, no 36 hole, Joe Dunham-inspired format next year. See you all then!

All da best.

Dave B.

 

 

 

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Lightning never strikes twi.. Oh.

24 08 2014
On the left, Mr. Len Doyle. On the right, Mr Wayne Wood. In the middle, the man who knows this is the only way he's going to get to pose with the Canadian Pairs trophy.

On the left, Mr Len Doyle. On the right, Mr Wayne Wood. In the middle, the man who knows this is the only way he’s going to get to pose with the Canadian Pairs trophy.

Long, long ago, when dinosaurs roamed the earth, Len Doyle won a golf tournament.  The Canadian Pairs qualifier at Glacier Greens. This was in the days when young Leonard  was less of a hacker than he is now and also happened to have a talented partner by the name of Jim Livingstone. Len never tires of telling the story of how he and Jim went to Ontario and had a great time. The details of the actual golf they played there remain shrouded in mystery – I can only assume they didn’t do too well – but the fact that they won the qualifier means that before every competition Len enters at Glacier Greens he’s keen to describe himself and his partner as ‘pre-tournament favourites’.

Somewhat more recently – in 2011, in fact – Wayne Wood (along with partner Dave Sheppard) – also won the Canadian Pairs qualifier. By that time, the finals had moved a little closer to home – Crown Isle, in fact. I happened to be officiating at that tournament and I remember two things about it: firstly, that Dave Sheppard was still recovering from a serious illness and could hardly swing a club, and secondly, that it poured with rain the entire weekend. At one point, they stopped play for three hours and Wayne and Dave went home to dry off before coming back to finish their round and get soaked all over again.

So yesterday we held the 2014 edition of the Canadian Pairs qualifier at Glacier Greens and you would be right in guessing that Len and Wayne brought home the bacon. With a barely credible (certainly if you’ve ever seen either of them in action) best ball net score of 57 points, they beat Nick Mykitiuk and Rudge Wilson by a couple of shots, with the Phil Ball/Wayne Mabee and Liz Stirrett/Dave Wacowich partnerships a further shot behind. These guys were all in the ‘close but no cigar’ category’, although they did all win sleeves of Titleists or Callaways for their efforts. Beaten into 5th place (the ‘no cigar, no golf balls, thanks for coming out’ category) were Rob Borland and Warren Brandson, who left the course thinking they might have placed higher but were undone by a slight scorecard malfunction by their playing partner whose name it would be a little unkind to mention. Right, Karl?

If you’re wondering how I fared in my own competition, well wonder no more. As is now traditional, I picked a new partner this year (‘Spread the Blame’ is my motto) and Billy V and myself finished comfortably off the pace. I only have to mention the words ‘Canadian Pairs’ and ‘partner’ in the same sentence and people start looking at their feet and searching for the nearest exit. I mean, come on guys! If Lennie and Wayne can win this thing twice, surely my turn will come?

Many thanks to Bill Kelly and his staff in the pro shop for doing all the background stuff that enables a tournament to run smoothly and to the Men’s Club for providing the runners up prizes. And, last but not least, to the 44 ladies and gentlemen who vied for the trophy this year. If we get enough entries in 2015 we’ll give it another go and I’ll be looking for a partner. Any volunteers?

All da best.

Dave B.

P.S. Meanwhile, Len and Wayne are looking forward to 36 holes of golf at Crown Isle at the end of September (along with a banquet and a bucket of prizes) and should they – God forbid – win there they’ll be off to Pebble Beach in December. That has to be worth the $15 entry fee, doesn’t it?





The Sweet Sixteen – the official entry list for the 2011 Red, White and Blue

1 09 2011

This weekend marks the 11th running of the famed Red, White and Blue tournament at Glacier Greens here in the sunny Comox Valley. Since 2001 some of the greatest names in world golf – Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson and Lee Westwood to name but three – have never even heard of the competition, let alone entered it. But for those who have, I think it’s fair to say that many have become obsessed with the thought of going home with the Big Club – the prestigious trophy handed to the winner. What I mean by this is that most entrants are looking forward to an enjoyable 54 holes of golf over the Labour Day weekend but will do virtually anything to avoid the embarrassment of having to lug home one of the largest (not to mention ugliest) trophies in the world of golf. Last year Stan Mills was the one who got caught up in the excitement of it all and was sitting in the chair when the music stopped. Twelve months later, burdened by the three stroke penalty automatically handed to the holder of the trophy, the shame of having the Big Club on permanent display at home and the expense of having his name engraved on the base, Stan is unlikely to repeat his mistake.

This year we have a full slate of sixteen entrants in the ‘Fifth Major’, as it is known by absolutely nobody except me. Full results, including photos and details of the (un)lucky winner, will be published next week, but in the meantime here, in descending order of competence, are the Sweet Sixteen along with the reasons why they won’t win this year. (Hey – I’m bound to be right for 15 of them!)

1. Sir Stanley Mills: Technically not actually knighted yet, but surely it is only a matter of time before Stan is recognized by Her Majesty for his services to golf after his epic victory in 2010. Handicap this year: 7 (inc penalty for last year’s win). Chances of a repeat: nil.

2. Bruce Coulter: By some way the lowest capped player in the field, Bruce is still celebrating the missed putt on the 54th hole last year that handed victory to Stan the Man. A handicap of 3 should ensure failure again this year in this net only competition.

3. Mad Mike Worley (8 hcp) :  Normally the most mellow of men, the pressure of the final day got to Mike last year when he fired a tee shot on #14 into the group ahead. His defence – that they were in the middle of the fairway and therefore should have been considered safe – was immediately accepted by the rules committee.

4. Dave Brooker (11 hcp) : Dave’s new career low came last week when Trevor Jones quietly asked him if he was deliberately missing all those three footers to give his opponent a chance. Sadly, the answer was no. The man’s a putting machine. A broken down machine.

5. Bud Bryan (12 hcp) : Recently returned from his trip to Alaska, Bud has as much chance of winning the RWB as he did of climbing Mount Denali in his flip flops.

6. Adrian Haut (12 hcp) : We all know the Chief is a bit different. For one thing he is on record as saying that he would actually like to win this tournament, which pretty much ensures he won’t.

7. Smokin’ Joe Dunham (13 hcp) : A shoo-in for ‘most improved’ golfer of 2011, but this basically just reinforces how bad Joe was before he purchased the White Knight. If desire alone wins tournaments Joe will be right up there. It doesn’t.

8. Jack Jackson (13 hcp) : Jack finished 3rd last year in his tournament debut and is actually my pick to win this year. That would be the kiss of death for Mr Jackson’s chances then.

9. Rudge Wilson (13 hcp) : Rudge was a regular entrant back in the day, but the moonshine liquor he magically produced on the 14th tee usually led to a disastrous finish for the Rudgemeister and the rest of his foursome. Understandably, none of them seemed to mind very much.

10. Elmo Guinan (16 hcp) : Possessor of the finest Mickelson style flopadopolous shot in all of Canadian golf, Elmo is the only player in the field who can chat with Dave about cricket. It doesn’t help his score, but ensures that he’s invited back every year.

11. Glen Parsons (16 hcp) :  Glen sent me an urgent email from Port McNeill yesterday requesting reinstatement in the tourney. I’m only guessing here, but I would think wife Maureen has made it clear that he can play as long as he absolutely promise not to bring the Big Club home with him on Sunday. You don’t mess with Mo.

12. Vic Crisp (20 hcp) : Vic was the victor of the 2007 tournament (see what I did there?) but old age and treachery have not really done much for him recently. Perhaps he could try talking a bit more. Or even singing.

13. Bill O’Neill (20 hcp): This is Bill’s first go at the event. He seems like a very nice person. What’s he doing playing in the RWB?

14. Wayne Mabee (20 hcp) : Another first timer, Wayne is also a longtime subscriber to my blog and thus should know better than to risk winning this weekend. You don’t just get the trophy for a year, you get 12 months of abuse. Just ask Stan.

15. Al Pasanen (21 hcp) : The third and final new entrant. I think Wayne maybe talked him into it. (I hope you’re spotting all these grammatical devices. That was a homonym). And I hope Al and Wayne’s friendship survives the weekend.

16. Dave Buckley-Jones (23 hcp) : The man with the poshest name in the field as well as the highest handicap. On the surface Dave looks like a genuine contender, but then consider all the extra money we’d have to pay to get his full name inscribed on the plaque. Not gonna happen.

So what a field! One of these fine gentlemen is going to prove me wrong and walk off with the Big Club on Sunday evening, as long as Stan has a) got it engraved and b) can bear to part with it. And don’t even get me started on the prizes! I can hardly wait to see what Bud Bryan brings to the table this year!

So all da best, gents. May the best man win, (taking full handicap into consideration, of course).

Dave B.