Foul weather golfers

2 12 2012
"Can I have a ruling on casual water, please?"

“Can I have a ruling on casual water, please?”

I think my favourite cartoon is of two golfers trudging down the fairway in the pouring rain who see a man fishing from a riverbank next to the course. “Look at that guy!” says one of the golfers. “I mean, what kind of idiot would be out in weather like this?”

Well, I would for a start. There are many categories of golfers, but as far as the weather is concerned they fall into one of two camps: you’re either a fair weather golfer or, like me, you’re beyond hope and you’ll play in anything. In the former group are some of my walking buddies: Butch, Don, Brian and Mike, for example – all of whom, with the possible exception of Mike, are fine, upstanding and sane gentlemen who play their golf on a variety of local courses in the summer months and who put their clubs away once October arrives and the Wet Coast (sic) starts to live up to its name. The latter group consists of my Glacier Greens buddies, most of whom take the view that they’ve paid for their membership and so they’re going to play come rain or shine. One or two, like Glennie, openly admit their preference for sunny skies overhead and firm footing underneath, but most of the rest are easily led and by the time they are absolutely soaked they can usually be persuaded to finish off the round. The phrase “Big Girl’s Blouse” seems to work wonders in convincing the likes of Bud and Robin that their manhood will be called into question if they quit after nine holes.

So I have to admit I felt a little guilty yesterday when I looked out of the window at first light, saw teeming rain and decided I would give Men’s morning a miss this week. As it happened it pretty much rained all day and I spent most of the daylight hours with my nose buried in a book. If I gave any thought to my playing partners it was to think “silly sods” before making myself another cup of tea and getting back to John Grisham.

Today it dawned bright and fine and I couldn’t wait to get to the course. When I arrived at 8:00 I was surprised to see that the parking lot was virtually empty. Apparently nearly all of yesterday’s silly sods had decided that they weren’t going to risk getting soaked two days in a row and had decided to bail on Bruce’s usual Sunday morning skins game. Luckily (or maybe unluckily) Stan the Man and Dave Buckley-Jones were waiting on the tenth tee and hailed me as I drove by. Lucky for me, because I would have headed for the first tee, forgetting that we switch nines at the start of December, but also unlucky because these two characters rejoice in giving me the gears from start to finish whenever we play together. Sure enough, Stan and Dave (or Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber as I prefer to call them) were in fine form and the insults soon started to flow: “Would you like to borrow some hipwaders?” asked Stan just as I was eyeing up a tricky shot across water on # 10. (Sure enough my approach shot  sliced straight into the pond). “Try hitching up your pantie hose” was Dave’s helpful advice after a particularly poor drive of mine on # 5. And so it went on – three guys using their three and a half hours together in the best possible way: golf and a non-stop barrage of insults. Stan is actually considering videotaping our next round together, although it should probably carry some kind of parental advisory warning concerning bad language and squishing of self esteem. Stan played well, Dave and I less so but were not unhappy – we’d agreed that low net would buy the coffee today, just for a change – and a good time was had by all. It was topped off by finding out in the clubhouse that Dave must have set some kind of record in yesterday’s gale blown Men’s morning: he shot 104 (yes – a hundred and flipping four) and won third low net in his flight! And they say all the prizes are won by sandbaggers…

All da best.

Bagger D..

(P.S. I’d also like to thank Dave for the sterling work he’s doing increasing the width of the fairways at Glacier Greens: so many of his tee shots are bringing down branches from the trees on the left that every fairway on the course is gradually getting wider and wider!)