Taekwondo meets curling

One of the many good things achieved by Keith Parry, legendary manager of the Comox Valley Curling Club, has been to bring the average age of the membership down by several decades. I have to say there are times during the Friday Fun League nowadays when upstairs seems more like a creche than a serious beer and wine drinking establishment.

On the other hand, there are still lots of oldsters around – people like the CST Numbnuts, for example. All five of us (yes, five, because we have a permanent spare on standby due to the team’s chronic old age) are grandparents. And it goes without saying that our grandchildren are the cutest, smartest and most athletically gifted grandchildren on the planet. In other words, they’re just like everyone else’s.

Last night, after yet another loss to the Granite Counters (do I sound bitter?), the topic of Taekwondo came up. Not just the martial art itself (at which, of course, some of the aforementioned grandchildren excel), but the five tenets that are an integral part of this sport. These are, in case – like me – you didn’t know:

Courtesy, Integrity, Perseverance, Self Control and Indomitable Spirit

It occurred to me that it might be interesting to rate the Numbnuts on each category, and these are my findings:

Courtesy: To other teams, a solid 10/10. To each other, more like a 5/10. We do get a bit testy on occasion.

Integrity: In all honesty, another 10/10. To be fair, short of kicking the other team’s rocks out of the circle, I wouldn’t have a clue how to cheat at curling. Fiddle the scoreboard, maybe, although I still don’t really understand how that works.

Perseverance: Wow! Another 10/10! We’ve been in the Friday Fun League for three years (all nine sessions) and have never considered quitting.

Self Control: Ah. Depends how things are going. If they’re not going well I’ve been known to bring out the pouty face, not to mention the occasional double teapot. On the other hand Second Dave, our permanently on-call spare, is just about always on best behaviour and Darrel also usually maintains a stoic demeanour. Martin is very supportive, although sometimes he mutters stuff in Welsh. And Peter, as skip, will apologize for things that aren’t his fault at all (and then say something really dark under his breath). Let’s say 8/10.

Indomitable Spirit: I should start by saying that I suspect half our team have no idea what ‘indomitable’ means. However, even when we’re losing by double figures – as happened only the other week – we want to keep going right to the final end in the hope that something good might happen. (It did: the Hogg Rocks only beat us 10-4 in the end and were very gracious in the bar afterwards.) Um, another 8/10?

I must say we seem to score quite highly, although the more perceptive among you will have noticed that there is absolutely no mention of ‘skill at curling’ and the teams we have played will doubtless have their own view. That being said, we really enjoy our Friday Fun League experience, and we thank all the teams we’ve played for that. Thanks also, yet again to Keith Parry – and league co-ordinators Blake and Sarah Johnson – and for the fun and frolics we all had at the Gladspiel on Friday. Thanks also to the Church Street Taphouse for continuing to sponsor us. We didn’t quite manage to get our name on the trophy, but we did reach the final and, we hope, did the Taphouse proud.

Good curling!

Dave B.

Close, but no cigar…

Do these guys look like talented curlers to you?

A couple of weeks ago the CST Numbnuts played their final game of the 2021-2022 Comox Valley Curling Gladstones’ Friday Fun League. It was against a team who hadn’t won a game yet in this round and starting the last end we were ahead by three and had the hammer. End of story, right? Well, no. We fiddled and faddled and the Rolling Stones’ skip played a beautiful final shot…which came up half an inch short of a brilliant victory. In the bar afterwards our teams were swapping war stories – the Stones had been great fun to play with – when Keith Parry, manager extraordinaire, came up to our table.

“You guys won, right?” he said.

“Well, just about.”

“So you might have the most points of all the Friday Fun league teams over the three rounds this year. And if you do, you get to play the winners of the Sunday Fun League to be overall champions and you also get your names embedded in the ice on one of the sheets next year.”

This seemed a bit unlikely to me. I was fairly sure we’d won more games overall than we’d lost, but there were also games in which we’d been pummelled by double figures (yeah, I’m looking at you, Sheet Disturbers and Slip Slidin’ Away). Surely not.

“Anyway, I’ll let you know”, said Keith.

Over the weekend I tried to figure out where we stood, but there were too many gaps in the scores to be sure. Even so, I couldn’t resist emailing Ben Davies, co-owner of the Church Street Taphouse, who we’d somehow gulled into sponsoring us this year. Here’s his response:

“Great news, Dave! That might be the best – and most unexpected – investment the Taphouse has ever made!”

But the next day Keith emailed me to say that we’d been pipped at the post by a team called Will Sweep for Beer. Out of solidarity our team went along on Finals Night to cheer them and all the other winners on. I must say they all looked like proper curlers and that we were in the right place: up in the bar, swapping war stories…

On the bright side, Keith has given us all official invitations to the forthcoming ‘Empty the Keg’ night. Now that’s something we’ll definitely be good at!

Thanks once again to Keith, Gladstones and the lovely people who run the Comox Valley Curling Club. Without you – well, it just wouldn’t happen. You are much appreciated.

Cheers!

Dave, Darrel, Martin and Peter, (the legends – in our own minds – of the Church Street Taphouse Numbnuts).

“Ho ho ho,”say the Numbnuts

So the first two sessions of the Friday Night Fun League are over – thanks once again, Gladstones! – and the league has lived up to its name once more. CST Numbnuts have won some close games, lost some close games and been totally annihilated in a couple of others. Even the sound thrashings were fun in a ‘how is it possible for all four of us to be this bad?’ kind of way’ and there was always beer to enliven the post-game postmortem. We even tied a game, although the infamous unsolicited touching incident in that game against the Plaidstones last month may live longer in some people’s memories than the result.

On Sunday we took part in the Christmas Funspiel, with low expectations, but outstanding uniforms:

From left to right: Martin the Welsh Wizard, Darrel the Dark, Peter the Great Tactician and Yours Truly

Our first game was against New Kids on the Rock against whom we’ve played – and lost – before. Our skip had a cunning plan, however. He’d noted that the tournament rules stated that in the event of a team getting a five point lead after the first end they would lose all those points as well as the hammer for the second (and last) end. The trap was set and sure enough the young lads suspected nothing until they were about to throw their final rock. Too late! Peter cleverly nudged one of their rocks into the circle for the full five points and the score went back to 0-0. Sadly, we couldn’t take advantage of having the hammer in the second end and the game was eventually lost, but what a fun game it was!

We tried the same tactic in our second game, with conspicuous lack of success, and then tried to play properly in our two afternoon games, although I suspect that most seasoned curlers would not have been able to tell the difference. Many, many thanks to Jill Cornwell and Madonna Cashman for all their hard work in putting on a great event and – as always – a tip of the cap to the estimable Keith Parry who has made the Comox Valley Curling Club such a fun and friendly place to be.

Looking forward to session 3 of the Fun League, starting in early February, but in the mean time we wish you all a merry Christmas and a happy and safe New Year.

Dave B and the rest of the CST Numbnuts

CST Numbnuts (from a camera-friendly angle) watching their fellow curlers to see if they can pick up a few clues as to how it’s done)

CST Numbnuts – a sponsor’s dream…or nightmare?

CST Numbnuts – a fine body of men, don’t you think?

You may have read of Cristiano Ronaldo’s recent transfer to Manchester United, famed soccer team in the English Premier League. He cost the club many millions of dollars, but Man Utd figure they’ll get all that money back and more. Why? Sponsorship. The club has already sold literally millions of shirts around the world, all with Ronaldo’s #7 on the back, and many other companies are keen to get involved with the self-styled CR7.

So it was perhaps with Ronaldo in mind that the Church Street Taphouse decided to launch a sponsorship deal of their own. Just maybe not a multi million dollar deal. The owners decided to cast their net locally to find a local sports team that might bring some reflected glory to the House. But who might this local band of sporting heroes be?

The Numbnuts curling team have played in the Gladstone’s Friday Night Fun League for three years now, with – it must be said – conspicuous lack of success. They don’t always lose – occasionally their opponents have an off night or decide to take pity on them – but they do always enjoy themselves. This enjoyment takes a variety of forms. If you scroll back up to the photo at the top of the page you will see, from left to right, Peter Dobbs, Martin Davies, Dave Brooker and Darrel Fraser. A few words on each:

Peter, the authoritarian founder – and namer – of the team, instituted a fines system from the very first match we ever played. Martin quickly fell foul of the rules when he inadvertently threw the wrong coloured rock. An immediate $2 fine. Dave, who practised social distancing long before the advent of Covid, was fined for being on an adjacent sheet talking to another team when apparently he was supposed to be sweeping. (In his defence, no-one had ever explained to him why people sweep the ice. He thought it was just to do a bit of tidying up, which he might just as well leave until the end of the evening. No dice: $2). And Darrel…actually, I’m not sure Darrel has ever contravened any of the rules but, as Peter pointed out, the beer kitty has to come from somewhere so Darrel pays his fines along with the rest of us. What with fines for late arrivals, early departures, absence from practice, leaving rocks short of the hogline or hurling them right through the end zone (by the way, is it called the end zone?) the money soon mounts up. Whatever is not spent in the bar upstairs at the curling club seems to find its way to the Church Street Taphouse.

And hence the new team name, CST Numbnuts, and the sponsorship deal. How do you like them jackets and snazzy toques? And wait until you see the tie-dye track pants that go with them! Apparently there’s to be the occasional glass of ale thrown in as well. So it’s easy to see what the curling team gets out of the deal, but the Church Street Taphouse? Only time will tell if the Numbnuts will one day be spoken of in the same breath as Cristiano Ronaldo. Will we see curling fans from all over the Comox Valley wearing replica CST Numbnuts hoodies? As the season progresses, we’ll let you know how things are working out…

Cheers!

Dave B.

The Hardy Boys (RWB 2021)

Well, after the downpour on Saturday, foolhardy would probably be a more accurate description. There may have been about 40 players who started the Glacier Greens Men’s Club event yesterday, but after a couple of hours of relentless drizzle (and this after the longest recorded drought in BC history) every time I turned round somebody else was trudging back to the clubhouse, head bowed, soaked from top to toe. But not the fifteen brave souls who were also entered for the 2021 edition of the Red, White and Blue. Fifteen started and fifteen finished. Admittedly the scores were nothing to write home about, and poor Rob Moore had to withdraw after the round, citing a shoulder injury which has sadly led to ‘an indefinite leave from golf’, but the rest of us were greeted with blue skies and warm weather when we arrived at the course this morning.

Well, nearly all of us. Somehow Bobby had got distracted by a thing called Tinder or Grinder or something similar, which apparently was proving a more attractive proposition than spending quality time with his golfing buddies. I’m sure the details will come to light over the next few days.

So that left us with thirteen players, all anxious to survive the first nine holes playing the blue tees and then to make hay off the easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy red tees on the back nine. Well, as Rabbie Burns put it, “the best laid plans of mice and men gang oft agley.” Or something like that.

Here below are the Hardy Boys of 2021:

• 

  Brent, Keith, Brian and Gord in nicely matching attire

• 

  Danny, Bruce and Dave in appropriate red, white and blue

• 

  Ed (unsuccessfully camouflaging himself), Paul and Darrel

• 

  Other Dave, Tim (rejecting any form of camouflage) and last year’s winner Phil

As the reigning champion, Phil was asked to tee off first in front of his fellow competitors. Any question of him retaining the trophy was clearly answered when he duck-hooked his ball (marked ‘ex-champ’) into the cypress tree some fifty yards ahead, never to be seen again. (The ball, that is, not Phil.)

And so things followed their predictable course for the next three and a half hours or so. Gord followed up his excellent Saturday net score of 70 with a net 73 on Sunday for a total of 143 and a four stroke victory over Paul, who claimed second place over Keith by virtue of a countback system which was, as usual, made up on the spot by the organiser at the post-round patio prize party (nice alliteration, eh?)

Just outside the medals were Danny, Other Dave, Ed, Real Dave, Brian, Brent, Darrel, Phil, Bruce and Tim. It was great to see the traditional unwrapping of prizes again this year, along with the looks on people’s faces as they opened their gifts. It could be that Danny had the most er, interesting gifts this year. (Note to all: keep a close eye on Bruce when he arrives at the patio table next year, wrapped gift in hand).

So the 21st annual RWB is in the books, with a proud first time winner:

• 

  Many congrats, Gord: RWB champion 2021

Looking forward to seeing you all again next year.

All da best!

Dave B.

Toe curling…

This is my friend Peter, founder and chief scout of the renowned (sic) Numbnuts curling team in the Comox Valley Friday Night Fun League.

As you can see from the above picture, Peter has a very lordly air about him. Sometimes this can be helpful; on other occasions not so much.

The Numbnuts are very sociable, very enthusiastic but – to be honest – not very good at curling

We’re also not exactly in the first flush of youth and, as a result, injuries are fairly common. Darrel (aka “Youth Policy”) has only just turned 60 and is the fittest member of the team which, sadly, is not saying much. Martin is recovering after a hip operation. I am convalescing from a rotator cuff injury and, at age 67, my dreams of pitching in the Major Leagues are on hold. And Peter has suffered so many accidents and injuries over the years it’s amazing he’s still with us.

Because we can never be sure that everyone will be available for selection each Friday, Peter has taken on the role of seeking out possible subs to fill in when necessary. Sometimes he goes through the usual channels, by phoning people he has curled with before. On other occasions his technique is a little more…random.

On Tuesday, the four of us (plus two spouses) met for supper at the Black Fin in beautiful downtown Comox. We try to vary the pubs we go to throughout the year and we hadn’t been to the Fin for a while. After the meal Peter was having a bit of difficulty working out how to use his credit card in the machine (a common occurrence for him) and the nice young woman serving us offered to give him a hand. “Thank you,” said Peter. “By the way, do you curl? Only sometimes we need a sub on Fridays.” If the young lady was surprised, she didn’t show it. “As a matter of fact I do,” she said. “Can I have your phone number then?” asked Peter. Again the server didn’t miss a beat. “Here it is,” she said, “you can call me if you’re short of a player.” And then, somewhat louder, “BUT NOT FOR ANY OTHER REASON.”

The rest of us cringed, but Peter wasn’t in the least bit abashed. “There you go, lads! We’ve got ourselves a spare!”

It’s enough to make your toes curl, innit?

The Numbnuts (from left to right Martin, Darrel, Dave and Peter). Not exactly babe magnets.

Please wish us luck in the forthcoming season – I’ve a feeling that, as usual, we’re going to need it.

All da best!

Dave B.

They also serve…

I got an email from my good friend Butch the other day, asking how I was doing – that darned Covid means we haven’t seen each other for months – and when was I going to post another of my golf blogs. I dashed off a reply, explaining that I was waiting for something exciting to happen to me on the golf course so that I could write an entertaining story about it…

And then I stopped and thought. Actually, in every single round I play something exciting and/or good takes place. Let me do the math here: I usually play in a foursome, the group usually consists of mid-to-high handicappers shooting in the mid 80’s / low 90’s, so that would be – give me a second here, I’m working this out in my head – about 350 shots between us per round. So even if, say, only one shot in fifty is spectacularly good that would be seven memorable shots on the plus side. And when you throw in the one shot in ten that is – even by our standards – spectacularly bad, that’s another 30 or so to store in the memory banks and bring up for discussion on a future occasion.

Some players, like me for example, are somewhat cautious and try to plot their way around the course on a safety-first basis. Naturally, if you’re not really very good at the game, this doesn’t always work. At some point I’m going to end up in a bunker and then things are really going to kick off.

Others – and my dear friend Glen Parsons was a prime example – take a devil-may-care approach to the game. “Nobody remembers a lay-up, Davy lad,” he would say as he prepared to take on a seemingly impossible shot. Usually his ball ended up in the trees, in the pond or out of bounds, but once in a while he would pull off the spectacular. Either way he’d give us another “Do you remember that time when Glennie…?” story.

Last week Scottish Wife and I played 18 holes at my favourite course on the island, Storey Creek, with our good friends Al and Jan Dafoe. Jan is an excellent, single-figure handicap golfer. Al’s more like me. Jan was playing her usual steady game while SW, Al and I indulged in our usual hacking and thrashing. Then, on the par 3 #13, Jan put her tee shot to within ten feet and Al put his even closer. Then they both made their birdie putts – a Double Dafoe, if you will. Great memories for when – boo hoo – they move to Cranbrook at the end of the month.

And just yesterday I played at Glacier Greens with my friend Darrel. He and I often joke that if we had a highlight reel of the best 10 and worst 10 shots of the round he would feature in all twenty of them. He did it yesterday on #6: slice, chunk, mishit, chip out sideways and then a glorious, towering 160 yard shot to within inches of the hole.

And then he did the same flipping thing on #10!

But while my own game doesn’t have too many high points at the moment, there’s usually something exciting going on nearby. The grandsons, Eli (10) and Miles (8), always play golf with us when they come up to stay, but covid has, of course, put a temporary end to that. Julie and I decided that it would be nice to pay for them to go to a three day golf camp down in Nanaimo, where they live, if they couldn’t get the benefit of learning by imitating my swing.

They phoned us after the first day. “Hey, Grumps!” said Eli excitedly. “The man said that the swing you taught me is all wrong and my grip was terrible and now I’m hitting it 25 yards further and we both won a can of pop and some chips and it was great!”

So let it not be said that I’m not making a contribution to world golf. In the words of the poet John Milton, “They also serve who only stand and wait.” And if you golf with some of my friends (who shall remain nameless) you tend to do a lot of standing and waiting…

All da best!

Dave B.

Who needs flagsticks anyway? (or how to fight the coronavirus)

Might have helped. Might not.

So my home course, Glacier Greens, along with probably every other course in Canada, has put some rules in place to keep the Coronavirus at bay and keep the golf course open. Here’s what the manager sent out to members yesterday. I’m sure you’ll agree that they are a very sensible set of measures:

Things Glacier Greens is doing for you:

1. Proshop will be operating from the window on the East side of the building next to the first tee.  No access to the building.
2. Switching to no cash sales (debit and credit only).
3. Daily sanitizing of the following:
   1. Range ball machine, balls, tokens, and baskets
   2. Door handles, surfaces and railings
   3. Golf carts and keys (Power and pull)
   4. Flagsticks and ballwashers
4. Putting green flagsticks will be removed entirely.
5. Staff are being instructed to avoid contact with any members and customers.

Things we are asking you to do for Glacier Greens:

1. Practice social distancing while on the property, including the Proshop and driving range.
2. Don’t touch the flagstick, ballwashers, or garbage cans if you don’t have to.
3. Come up with something other than shaking hands before and after your round of golf.
4. Please refrain from close contact with Course and Grounds staff as they have been instructed to keep their distance from golfers.
5. Please do not visit the Course and Grounds Maintenance Facility for any reason.
6. When you rake a bunker, use your glove hand.
7. Please refrain from collecting range baskets for us and bringing them back to the ball machine.  We would like to clean them prior to the next use.
8. If you don’t need to enter the Proshop, please don’t.  Book tee times online or via phone.

Not on the list, but added in a notice by the pro shop, was the news that all flag sticks had been removed from the course and that all holes would be located in the middle of each green.

I can’t say I was too concerned about this because I don’t hit too many greens anyway, but I must admit it felt weird standing in the middle of the fairway and not seeing a flag on the green. It clearly didn’t do much harm though, because I hit 8 greens in regulation today, way more than usual, and on one hole (#3 for those of you who know the course) my approach shot from 85 yards (Ok, I admit my tee shot hit the cart path and got a lucky bounce) finished 6 inches from a hole I had no idea was there.

I’m not sure what all this proves except that maybe John Ringstead’s advice all those years ago (“Forget the flippin’ flag, Dave – just aim for the middle of the green!”) was actually a lot sounder than I gave him credit for.

Didn’t help with the putting though: 35 putts today. Rubbish!

All da best in these strange times, folks. Be kind to each other and please follow your golf course’s rules – they’re for the good of us all!

Dave B.

The Numbnuts: the numbers don’t lie

The Numbnuts in action! Al thinks about sweeping while my broom appears to be stuck to the ice. Our 2nd sweeper seems to have gone AWOL.

We’re just about to finish Round 2 of this year’s Friday Fun League at the Comox Curling Club. Whenever someone asks me what the league is like I always tell them it’s great and they should put a team together and join the fun. Then they ask me what’s so great about it and I mumble something about the nice teams we play against and the excellent choice of beers before and after the game. Not ‘during’, of course – I don’t want to give the impression that we only show up for the beer. Although, to be fair, there have been times when I did wonder exactly what we showed up for…

Anyway, I decided to do a more statistical analysis of what exactly makes the Fun League so enjoyable:

1. My team mates. Even though Peter, Darrel, Al and I may give the impression that we spend most of the time arguing and insulting each other we’re actually having a great time. We just happen to enjoy arguments and insults. Martin (who’s on the IR this season) usually attends games anyway. I often look up and can see him in the bar and he seems to be enjoying himself too. Of course, I can’t be sure exactly what he’s laughing at…

2. The opposition. In the two rounds so far this year we’ve played against Teams Hunt and Hobson, the Sweeping Beauties (and the Beast), the Granite Counters, the Plaidstones, Thin Ice, Slip Slidin’ Away, Curlfriends and Rock Bottom. They all have two things in common: they’ve been great fun to play against and they have much better team names than we do. Honestly – ‘Numbnuts’. Who would come up with a name like that? (Answer: Peter)

3. Talking of Peter, I’ve kept a tally of fines levied when he’s been playing. Last season – my first in curling – it came to $68, of which I was personally liable for $31. To be fair, the money did go to a good cause (i.e. beer). When Peter hasn’t played there have been no fines at all and our success rate hasn’t changed. Admittedly the beer fund is now empty.

4. And talking of beer, it was made clear right from the start that we would always have a pre-game drink when we would discuss the team line-up (we switch positions every week) and tactics. Discussing the team line-up has proved useful as we always seem to forget what the line-up was the week before.

As for tactics, Peter and Darrel (our two experienced curlers) have had to simplify things a bit. Terms such as ‘hog line’, ‘out turn’, ‘ house’ and ‘biter’ proved a bit tricky for me and Al (who’s Scottish, which explains a lot). I also struggled a bit with the broom-waving and tapping that was going on down the other end of the ice when I was about to throw, so now our skip of the day tends to say “Just put it in the circle, please, Dave. Or as near as you can.” This seems to work reasonably well. Darrel told me that I was curling 25% last week, which is a lot more than I got in my Grade 10 Maths exam.

5. Practice. Some of us practice on Thursdays (Darrel’s exempt, because he actually has to work for a living). You won’t be surprised to learn that the correlation between our success rate at practice and the actual game the next day is 0%.

6. Cerebral achromatopsia. The inability to detect differences in colour. Astonishingly, Peter is the only one in our team who has yet to throw a wrong-coloured rock. Well, to be strictly accurate, neither has Darrel. But that’s only because we all yelled at him last week – both teams – just before he let go of the stone. On the other hand, Peter is the only one to have cleared all the stones out of the circle – just as Darrel was about to throw the last rock. Total chaos ensued. It was great!

So for the Numbnuts, the numbers may not lie, but they do seem to indicate that the Fun League is the right place for our team. I can’t imagine what would happen if we ever tried to play seriously!

Many thanks to Keith Parry, the curling club’s manager extraordinaire, for making the Fun League such a success – and to all the great teams we’ve played who’ve put up with us so graciously.

Martin, Darrel, Dave and Peter – 80% of the Numbnuts. (Al must have been off somewhere, drinking whisky probably.)